I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
