Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
