God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
