Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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