She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
