I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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