At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
