Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
this will be a night to untag.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
