Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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