she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
pray to the hookup gods
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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