The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
