you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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