I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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