I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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