how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
