Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
