I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
