she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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