??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
