ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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