I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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