I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
