Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
