K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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