I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
