YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
God, I missed his penis.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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