All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
