this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
