Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
