it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
