I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
