It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
