first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
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I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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