i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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