Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
