When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
