I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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