Don't make out with my wife yet
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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