Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
