Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
