come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
