i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
