College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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