Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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