I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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