the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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