Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
