why didn't you poke me back
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
