just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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