oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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