you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just high enough for therapy.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
