3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
