Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
