My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
