no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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